LORDY

So most of you know what has been going on...and well each day gets easier and I am staying strong not only for me but for my girls. My girls need me now more than ever. Keleigh cries when I leave her at daycare now and always thinks I am gonna leave her. I have to constantly remind her that we both love her and we will never leave her on purpose. Ashton has been having it pretty hard. She had just recently really let Danny into her life and really thought of him as her dad. I can't imagine how she feels. I often wonder if she will blame me for all of this, because I left her dad and now her step dad left me. Is there something wrong with me, am I being punished for something? These thoughts haunt me and I don't know how to deal with these things. I feel like I am not worthy of finding that perfect love. Am I a bitch? No I don't think so, I just believe in things very strongly and I don't like to do things other peoples way.I love Danny and this last week has really showed me that I do truly cherish his love and friendship. I don't think I could handle not having him to talk to. I do think I am stronger and a better person then what I have become. I am fun and exciting but motherhood sometimes makes you forget these things.
I miss the way he used to give me this half smile when I did something weird. I miss the way he would kiss me and hold me when I was scared or sad. When I would be stressed out he always knew how to calm me down and I wonder how I can handle stress with out him around. I know I will let him back home if he asked but I am worried that he thinks he can't. I strongly feel our marriage or any marriage is worth fighting for. Danny is worth fighting for and I won't let go with out a good fight at trying. I feel we just need to find what attracted us to eachother again. I need to be my fun loving self again and I am ready to be that girl. I think this whole ordeal was Gods way of telling me that I needed to become more fun and to be myself again. He is trying to open my eyes to the good things in life. I want to become a better mother and wife. I want to quit being nosey and not trusting of men. I have such a hard time in trusting men, due to things that has happened in my past. I still have not truly gotten over what my dad did to me. I still have that memory in my mind when he said he wanted nothing to do with me. These thoughts keep me awake at night and make me feel so ashamed that I didn't try harder for him to stay in my life. But my daughter was more important to me, than him and I knew abortion was not the answer. I put my unvorn child before him and I have never regretted that. Danny has made me a better person and he was and is my rock that keeps me alive.
I sit and watch my girls play and I do realize I have been truly blessed with them but I want my husband to enjoy these moments with me. I want watch them grow together and enjoy every moment of it. For those women out there who are contemplating divorce please take a step back and look at the finer things. Look at the good moments you have together. Take the time to spend quality time with your spouse. Make every moment worth something. The grass is not greener on the other side. I am very lonely and fell very guilty for any mistakes I have ever made in my marriage. Being a mother is a joy but being a mother and a wife makes it even better. Please consider what you would be losing. This by far is the worst thing in my life. I hate it and I blame myself for not doing the things I should have.
Lastly please thank you lord for everything you have brought me and I know you will give me nothing I can't handle. Thank you Mom and thank you Laurie, you two have been my main support and I appreciate it.


Good Night
Sweet Dreams
Love YOU