LORDY

So most of you know what has been going on...and well each day gets easier and I am staying strong not only for me but for my girls. My girls need me now more than ever. Keleigh cries when I leave her at daycare now and always thinks I am gonna leave her. I have to constantly remind her that we both love her and we will never leave her on purpose. Ashton has been having it pretty hard. She had just recently really let Danny into her life and really thought of him as her dad. I can't imagine how she feels. I often wonder if she will blame me for all of this, because I left her dad and now her step dad left me. Is there something wrong with me, am I being punished for something? These thoughts haunt me and I don't know how to deal with these things. I feel like I am not worthy of finding that perfect love. Am I a bitch? No I don't think so, I just believe in things very strongly and I don't like to do things other peoples way.I love Danny and this last week has really showed me that I do truly cherish his love and friendship. I don't think I could handle not having him to talk to. I do think I am stronger and a better person then what I have become. I am fun and exciting but motherhood sometimes makes you forget these things.
I miss the way he used to give me this half smile when I did something weird. I miss the way he would kiss me and hold me when I was scared or sad. When I would be stressed out he always knew how to calm me down and I wonder how I can handle stress with out him around. I know I will let him back home if he asked but I am worried that he thinks he can't. I strongly feel our marriage or any marriage is worth fighting for. Danny is worth fighting for and I won't let go with out a good fight at trying. I feel we just need to find what attracted us to eachother again. I need to be my fun loving self again and I am ready to be that girl. I think this whole ordeal was Gods way of telling me that I needed to become more fun and to be myself again. He is trying to open my eyes to the good things in life. I want to become a better mother and wife. I want to quit being nosey and not trusting of men. I have such a hard time in trusting men, due to things that has happened in my past. I still have not truly gotten over what my dad did to me. I still have that memory in my mind when he said he wanted nothing to do with me. These thoughts keep me awake at night and make me feel so ashamed that I didn't try harder for him to stay in my life. But my daughter was more important to me, than him and I knew abortion was not the answer. I put my unvorn child before him and I have never regretted that. Danny has made me a better person and he was and is my rock that keeps me alive.
I sit and watch my girls play and I do realize I have been truly blessed with them but I want my husband to enjoy these moments with me. I want watch them grow together and enjoy every moment of it. For those women out there who are contemplating divorce please take a step back and look at the finer things. Look at the good moments you have together. Take the time to spend quality time with your spouse. Make every moment worth something. The grass is not greener on the other side. I am very lonely and fell very guilty for any mistakes I have ever made in my marriage. Being a mother is a joy but being a mother and a wife makes it even better. Please consider what you would be losing. This by far is the worst thing in my life. I hate it and I blame myself for not doing the things I should have.
Lastly please thank you lord for everything you have brought me and I know you will give me nothing I can't handle. Thank you Mom and thank you Laurie, you two have been my main support and I appreciate it.


Good Night
Sweet Dreams
Love YOU

Long Day

So today was very long it seemed! Everybody gripes about Mondays but for me I can't stand Tuesdays. You have already made it past Monday and then there is Tuesday to be annoying! I was so excited when I saw Danny was before me, but to my surprise he was too tired to do anything. So I let him take a nap with no complaints hoping that he would wake up and be more social. It didn't happen. He was a bump on a long and I couldn't stand it, I was so ready for him to be his hyper self. I have been missing him a little lately cause he is always working and I just miss my husband. When he woke up the first thing he wanted to do was mess with his phone. Did he care to have a conversation with me? Not even! I cooked a good meal and the girls were extremely well behaved tonight which was a relief.
Curse the person who thought of text messaging. I hate that everyone including me text all the time. Whatever happen to just talking to someone? You can't have a decent conversation with someone with out them looking at their phone texting or waiting for a text. This annoys me to no end! People need to understand that sometimes it is rude to be texting......This includes me doing it too.
Today I found out that a good friend of my mom's is on her last days with lung cancer and I can't even imagine what her family is going through. What her grandchildren are going through. I know my children would be totally devastated if something were to happen to their Nonna. Let alone what it would do to me. I haven't quite figured out how to feel about this matter. I feel sad and scared knowing that this could be happening to me. My love and prayers go out to the Reynolds family. Patty you are a wonderful person and you have always been the best you could be with my mom and that is what matters to me. Please be at peace and know your family is in my prayers tonight.
I guess I am going to bed now so good night and sweet dreams!

Bored at work!

more Cause I am bored

I do realize how much I miss my husband. The summer is so hard cause he works all the time! I am so excited for May cause I am getting Danny the perfect gift and I feel so very happy that I get to do this. I have never been able to afford this kind of stuff for him and I enjoy doing nice things for him!
So I started to write a friend of mine in prison and recently he has really been he to flirt through letters. I know he is lonely and just needs a friend, so I deal with it. But in his last letter he talked about Danny is so lucky and that he wishes he was at home making love to me! This makes me so uncomfortable and I wonder if I should be? I am married and I need him to respect that. I do kind of wonder if Danny even cares about him and I writing to each other. What is a girl to do with boys! They are so hard to deal with! Going to bed and goodnight, sweet dreams!

This is me!

So I was thinking today and realized I want to have place to put my thoughts down. So here we go......
I have a life of total confusion. I married my husband knowing that I loved him and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Little did I know how hard it would be. I thought that since we got sober together, and we both dealt with our lowest part of our lives together, that it would be a lot easier. Man I was wrong. I never realized how moody he was and that he changes constantly. We go through months of perfect love and then out of no where he turns into a total ass! I have the hardest time dealing with these changes. But I do cause I love him more than anything else. Well besides my kids! But I have seen how horrible it can be and I know I can deal with these changes and mood swings. I think we married way too fast and I am reminded of that every day by his family. I sometimes do have regrets about not giving him more time. I never thought three years difference could be that big of a deal. We have a great daughter together along with my first child. He is an amazing dad and I could never express how much I truly appreciate this. I love you honey!

I am so sick and tired of being the object of people's conversations. It seems to me when certain people are feeling down about themselves, they turn around and try to put me down. I have a horrible self esteem and I wish they would realize this! I hate to be fun of and I extremely hate when they try to make me feel stupid. Please stop people. I love to be told I look good and that I am attractive and I just. don't hear it enough! Oh and please people try to keep your thoughts to your self! Ok so I am done bitching and now I am going back to relaxing and drinking my rum and coke